Relaxing the Brain — that sort of sounds like an Orson Scott Card novel in the making.. but.. onto the reason I am writing this today:

You know what happens? You get to be my age.. a nice 29 (just go with me there, okay?!), you work 10 or so hours a day (and yeah, some days are 12.. some 14). You drive 30-40 minutes each way to work. Or, you have to travel for work– which means (for me), driving 300-1000 miles, working 18 hours a day and collapsing into bed when work is finally over with. You’ve got a 13 year old boy, who thinks 20:30-21:00 is an excellent time to ask Mom to play Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit. And you haven’t even cooked a decent meal in 2 weeks, let alone gone to the laundry.

There is simply no more energy left to read a book.

I used to be able to read 3-4 books a week. More if it was fiction. Now I am lucky if I can get through a chapter a night. And that better be a Stephen King type paragraph — 2 sentences, or I’m asleep before the third sentence starts.

A friend just finished with some old pulp books – I just can’t resist Nero Wolfe — and I’ve got them loaded onto my ebook. I’ve now been carrying the ebook around with me for the past week and a half.. and I am proud to announce..

I’m through chapter 2.

Real chapter length, even.

I’ve missed reading a lot. Books have always been such a part of me — part of my day, part of my daily plans..an excitement that I looked forward to. Having lost the ability to read the way I used to was a bit upsetting.

But.. as I’ve written before, I’ve been “smelling the roses” a lot lately. One of my “roses to smell” is making sure that I /make/ time to read.

I haven’t felt this good in ages — brain good, dontcha know. What I mean is this: I work a lot, I manage a big company with a lot of people, I have a lot of responsibility there. And I am divorced, with a 13 year old boy. I support myself, and what we have is all we have. It’s..stressful, to say the least. But even with just the bit of reading I have been able to do, I already feel better.

My mind has had a chance to relax.

That just sounded inane to me the first time I thought it. But when thinking about it since, and then writing in my journal about it, I came to the conclusion that it was just exactly that. My mind has been able to relax.

My goal is to read a lot more. Hopefully, I can settle in a bit with work and things, and be able to actually finish a novel sometime before hell has frozen over..or the month of July ends. One of the two.

Its been over a year now that I’ve been divorced.. (2 years if you count when I really decided)..and what I have found out is this.

It isn’t easy.

It isn’t easy getting to learn how to do some things alone. I was (am/will forever be) on a budget, and so, the furniture I bought when I left is IKEA. Decent enough stuff.. but every freaking thing needs to be put together. Now, I am not stupid, by any means, and I really can read directions but that very first piece was hell.. what should have taken maybe an hour took 3 and..well.. after a year, it is still wobbly. I found out later that steps 1 to 3 got left in the box :P

It isn’t easy to learn how to cook for myself 3-4 days a week, and for my son and I for 3-4 days a week. How exactly do you make a casserole for 2? What the hell do you do with the leftovers?! I mean, really, who wants to eat Tuna Casserole for 6 days. I still don’t know how to make pasta for two, or salad for two.

It isn’t easy letting go of the tangible things. The gazebo outside in my garden. The roses I planted in my yard over the years. Bird feeders (can’t really do that when you live in an apartment). Outdoor fireplace. My beautiful sofa. A washing machine and a dryer (oh gods that is the thing I miss the *very* most).

And moving.. holy shit. That just sucks. I moved out last August with some help. I moved again, in May, with just my son and I.. from a 2nd floor, to a 3rd floor. Great apartment.. but 34 steps up..and up.. and up….. and up. Good god. There is absolutely nothing like myself and my 13 year old son moving a sofa-bed up a set of stairs on a 65degree angle. There is nothing even more to say there. Except at the time, my only thought was “What the FUCK have I done moving here??”.

So.. a few “not so easy things”. Little things. Things I took for granted when I was married. The ex put stuff together. The ex ate all the food I made, even if he didn’t like it (he learned, early on, that if he didn’t like to eat it, it really didn’t feel that great to wear, either ;P ). And it isn’t /that/ bad to do laundry at a laundromat. I’m never going to love it, but then again, I never liked to do laundry in the first place. If I ever win the lottery, I’m either hiring somebody to clean clothes, or just having t-shirts, a few packs of Haynes Bikinis, a few Push ups, and 5 pairs of Levis delivered weekly. I’m not choosy, nor overly girly.. I can live in t-shirts and jeans. It’d work. Really. ;)

It isn’t easy.

But it sure gets easier.

I’ve learned that if you don’t skip step 1-3, things can be put together much easier. And no screws left over, either. Duct tape becomes unneeded too ;)

I’ve learned that leftovers freeze pretty well. But I’m still not making Tuna Casserole.

Living on the 3rd floor is.. different. Lots of stairs, so that even buying groceries becomes a thought as to.. “Do I want to bring 2 boxes of soda up the third floor, after working 14 hours..or shall I just not”. But the view is beautiful. I’ve already watched the trees bloom, and am looking forward to seeing what winter looks like from this vantage point.

And I do love our new apartment. Enough space for the both of us.. we don’t feel the need to kill each other every 43 seconds. And we can now get away from each other. There is, after all, only so much Nintendo game sounds you can take. Zamm. Pow. Grunt Grunt. Wwwweeeeeeeeee. Yeah. 10 minutes was my max before I wanted to plug my ears with anything that might fit. Or use a brick to “fix” the Nintendo :D

I miss the gazebo in my back yard garden, but there is a great park that I like to go to — near a harbor.. gazebos, old fashioned wooden swings, and sail boats….and sailors.

And another thing.. if you go to the laundry about 17, on a week day — you have the whole place to yourself.

Growing roses is fun.. watching the blooms, looking at the amazing colour, spending time taking care of them. I liked all that a lot. I don’t have the roses anymore, and might not again, for all I know. But dammit.. I have finally learned how to smell them. I got a bit scratched up with the thorns, but when I finally learned how to smell them, my life changed. Life became a lot more beautiful to me. It’s when I noticed that life had suddenly gotten easier.

Maybe life isn’t easy. Maybe life shouldn’t be. I don’t really know. What I do know is this: If you want it to, life becomes easier. And really, the roses smell amazing.

A new phrase!!

I’ve never heard the phrase “ass munch” before. I have been told I must be living in the dark ages, but when I heard somebody say that I almost died laughing. I mean that literally. I was in tears, breathing stopped, my expression looking rather similar to ‘The Scream’ and the sound coming from my mouth.. quiet hysterics. It was really the first time the people where I work have witnessed my sense of humor .. or my lack of it. :P

Okay. Yeah. I’m weird. Get over it.

And Um.. if you didn’t laugh at that.. this mightn’t be the blog for you.

:P

My previous blog was.. accidentially deleted in mid-June. And though I enjoyed doing the blog, it wasn’t always the best place to express all I had to say. A food blog is a good thing.. and I will start it up again, soon. But I wanted this space..this place.. this tiny bit of the web to be mine.. to be about this life I lead.