This week I learned a friend I have known since grade school has breast cancer, and is having a double mastectomy. This news has rather shaken me to the ground. In my minds eye, we are still 11 and riding our new 10-speeds around town, going down to the movie theater to watch campy movies, and just starting what we’ll do for the next few years – boy watching. The memory of this time is clear and full of the innocence we both had. Oh, how our lives have changed since — high school, moving, marriage, children, divorce and the realities of life we never thought we would have to endure.   Our lives diverged, as all childhood friendships do. She moved away, and later, so did I. We have been in touch with each other, via letters, phone calls, email and, most recently, Facebook, through the years.  And though our lives have changed so much, we’ve always been connected, in one way or another. Years in-between talking passed, and yet one phone call and it has always been as if we just spoke the day before. 

The news of the cancer was eye opening.  It comes in the midst of realization that my life must change drastically.  The news was a slap upside the head, saying “Get your head out of your ass, grab the bull by the horns, climb on and take the ride.”  I have been in this process since my move in May, when I realized that my life was not what I wanted at all.  Since then, I have made new choices, friendships have changed and grown; I no longer allow my family to sit in judgement of my life; I have changed my job to a more stable and long term one, and have started to come out from under the rock I have been living since the divorice. 

But life changes go fast and now, with this news, comes that feeling that the immortality (or at least a really long life), I was sure of when I was 20 is really just fleeting. I don’t despair the future, but reality is slapped upon the mirror, not letting me see anything except what is within.  It’s been showing itself to me like this for the past few months with a clarity that has elucidated my own desires, needs and wants.

I know that I must change certain things — my “love” life has been crumbling away with no sign of giving me what I need; my child is 16 now and becoming more and more grown up..more of a stranger to me; and the fact life just seems more and more of a struggle than a joy is heavy on my mind. 

I know what I want -

• -a better relationship with my son
• -a relationship with my the man in my life that is not one sided
• -a job that is fulfilling (and pays well!)
• - time for myself that is not full of the 10,000 things going on in my head that I cannot change or fix, but full of time to express and create.

I know that all of the things I want are my own responsibility.  No one can make me happy – I must do that myself.  No one can fix what is wrong – only I can do that.  I am the one who must make the real choices – the simple and easy choices, and those incredibly hard life changing choices. 

I’ve had these two quotes on my mind for some time now:

“My will shall shape my future.  Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.” ~ Elaine Maxwell

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“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”  “Only I hold the key to my destiny.”  These two lines are how I must live my life.  Fear of the unknown can no longer hold me back.   I get to make the choices, I get to make the decisions.  No one else. 

Just me.

i can’t let my heart know

emptiness binds me as if i was handcuffed
and holds me so tightly i suffocate
longing consumes all thought
need overwhelms this nightmare
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

i whisper sweet lies to my heart
you love the way i laugh
you love my tenderness
you love making me strong
you love our lovemaking
you love me
but i am a fool
forever to be caught
in a mesh of stupidity
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

my heart can’t know
you chose to be alone
instead of choosing me
leaving me cast aside, deserted
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

my mind wont wrap around your choice
couldn’t love overcome time and distance?
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

grey skies are a perfect cover for sadness
rain masks the avalanche of my tears
i’m supposed to be full of strenghth
and be able to hold on without failing
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

i scream in the quiet of my mind
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken
but my heart knows (it always knows) the truth
you wouldn’t make me yours
it knows what a fool (ever the fool) i am
it cackles; it bleeds; it slashes itself apart

i’m broken broken broken broken
my heart and i are broken

Michelle Piniella 12-16-2009

–

I’d heard rumors and I’d heard talk

About the trail you’d left of broken hearts
About the sea of tears too wide to cross
But a little bad press has never scared me off
So I burned a path to figure out
How to get me some of what you got
I’ve got a red hot heart
If the talk is true your’s is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love’s flame

When I looked for you I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve must make you wild inside
It was there and then that I knew I had to get some of what you got

I’ve got a red hot heart
If the talk is true your’s is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love’s flame

I thought I’d won your heart when I held you hand in mine
I thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
But my right is your wrong
And when you’re right then I’m left with nothing
Your light and your heat have all been spent
Leaving only smoke and ashes
Only smoke and ashes baby

I’ve got a red hot heart
Any your heart’s as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there’s fire down below
You say it’s only smoke and ashes baby

I’m crying all the time
Salty stinging tears
And mourning for the past carbon-dated years
But knowing now for certain that you were always right
Because if a breeze could blow you out of my life
It’s only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby

I’ve got a red hot heart
And your heart’s as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there’s fire down below
You say it’s only smoke and ashes baby

I was blinded by devotion
My unwavering love for you
So blinded that I thought all your lies were true
But now I know for certain since you’ve gone away
It was just a smoldering fire I mistook for a blaze
Only smoke and ashes baby

I’ve got a red hot heart
And your heart’s as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there’s fire down below
You say it’s only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby, baby .

So..

Last evening, I lost my cat.

She escaped via a torn screen and I searched for her for hours last night, and could not find her. I finally found her this morning, hiding in a small shed.  She hissed and purred and purred and hissed at me, as if she were so happy to see me, and yet pissed that I hadn’t come for her before.

For most, a cat escaping isn’t all that unusual, or that big of a deal, since they will usually come home quick enough.

But for me, this was rather devastating.  You see, I have few people in my life nowadays.  Estranged from my parents and siblings, divorced, my son lives 1/2 time with his father, my friends (though I have fantastic friends), are spread out over the US (and the world, for that matter).  My boyfriend lives far away (as in on another continent!!).  So, for the most part, it’s me and the cat.  And to lose her just shredded all my resolve into nothingness.

That, however, is not what this post is about.

What it is about, however, is my coming to a realization that I really do need people in my life to care about me, and care for me.

I’ve always been an incredibly independent person, able to think for myself, do things for myself, without help from other people.  It’s just my nature, and the way I was raised.  I never do well with people doing things for me, or helping me without wondering what they want from me.  I just figure, if I can’t do it myself, I shouldn’t be doing it..whatever that might be.

Here is the thing:  I don’t really know how to let somebody else take care of me.  I always feel like a weak person if I need help.  As if I am being incredibly needy and demanding.  I dislike people who are like that, and I think because of that feeling, I tend to be 100% the opposite of needy (or, at least, I think I am).  To the point where it becomes problematic in my life.  It has caused frustration and irritation for the people who care about me.  But that, as I said, is my nature.

The two people in my life, though, don’t handle my independence as I would like.  My son gets pissed at me, and my boyfriend just gets pushy.  Neither of them really take ‘No’ for an answer, and using the phrase “No, I don’t need <insert overly helpful “whatever” here>” is just the beginning of ultra nag nag nag from them both.  For the most part, I do let them help or do things for me now, more than I did before, but it is never easy for me.

But last night, I realized that I really do not need to be, nor have to be this way.  And allowing somebody else to help me can be a major weight off my shoulders.

I was in and out of my apartment last night 30 times — sure that Clio (the cat), must be inside hiding..asleep in a box, or basket, or under a bed.  I walked the property outside 12 dozen times, and called her name 100’s of times.  I jiggled her favorite noisy toy, and every movement I heard, I was sure was her.  And I still didn’t find her.  By the time I finally came inside, I was hysterical.  Her presence in my life is one of two constants, and to be without her, knowing that I am the one responsible for her well-being, was devastating to me.  I just sobbed until I had made myself ill.

The other constant in my life is my boyfriend.  We had been using Skype earlier in the evening, and when he went away, I had not disconnected the call.  We tend not to disconnect unless one will be gone for a long period of time.  It’s just the usual way with us.  Apparently, he heard me in my hysteria, and called my cell phone while I was back outside jingling the noisy toy yet again.

Here is where my realization came from.  He did what I don’t really allow.  He took care of me.

And dammit, I liked it.  Not that I didn’t try and fight it, because ..well, just because. But for once, it was without any real fight in me.  I just followed direction and listened…
“Come back inside now, hon, there isn’t anything else to do now.
Have some water – calm down.
Take a warm shower.
Have some tea after you have a shot of liquor.
Lay in bed and warm up.
Don’t worry – Clio will be back.
Don’t worry – I’m right here.
It’s not your fault.
I know how you feel about her, but really, she will be back.
I doubt she got ran over – you live in the woods.
No, nothing will eat her, she is way up high in a tree right now, nice and safe.
It’ll be okay, darling, really it will.”

Maybe to you, and to everyone else, these words aren’t that unusual. Maybe to people who are used to being consoled, this is normal.  Maybe to people who have always known love, this is not that strange.   But to me, this was like a deep breath of air after being underwater.  Utter relief.  Just what was needed for me.  Somebody to say “It’ll be okay, really”.  Sometimes, just those words mean more than any others.

Looking back, I honestly don’t think I have allowed anyone except him this kind of behavior with me in my lifetime.  I don’t let people get this close.  I don’t let anyone in.  I keep people, most of them, at arms length, shielding myself. And yes,  I know exactly what that has cost me over the years, and though I don’t regret the choices I have made, I do regret pushing people away.  He and I have been together for about 3 years now, and the longer we are together, the more I come to understand that my way of looking at things can be terribly skewed.  And every once in a while, something happens where I find myself just in awe of what relationships really are supposed to be like.

This whole thing has been pretty eye opening for me, if not exactly life-changing. More than anything, I want this feeling to last, because now I get it.  I like sharing my life with someone.  I like the feeling of knowing that going to him means comfort, and warmth, and love, and tenderness.  And that even when it’s just the cat being a cat, and hiding herself away, that it is okay to turn to him.  Because that is what you do with somebody that you love so much — you turn to them, and when you do, they say those incredibly magic words:

It’ll be okay.

Thank you, love – you were right — it really was okay.

I’m not really sure what happened with me this past week, but all of a sudden, I cannot seem to keep pen from paper, or my fingertips from entering line after line of poetry (my style),  into my journal.

I wrote:

Lately these
words are like
water, flowing out
of me like a
river in flood
the currant is so fast
i can hardly keep up
but years of lost words,
silenced by fear, have
burst free and
cannot be contained

What I say there about ‘years of lost words’ is really true. I used to always write poetry as a way to express myself, my feelings, and my thoughts. It helped me to understand what was happening in my life, and to be able to deal with those things in a better way.

But the past few years – especially after the divorce, and the accident, I stopped really writing poetry. I think it was a way to hide from my own self. So I did not have to deal.

It was really happenstance that has brought me back to writing again. A friend (Al), writes a lot, and shares his poetry. Though his style is completely different than my own, I always like to read his stuff. I was talking with him about it one day, and showed him a few of my own poems. And from that point, words, lines, little thoughts, incomplete ideas just jumped into my head and I have been, most literally, unable to stop the flow.

I won’t over-think this — I’m just going to let it happen, and enjoy it.  And subject you all to it.  ;)