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http://outcampaign.org/

I read a lot of Atheist Blogs.  I read them almost every day.  I like the fact that I can keep up with what is going on, as well as feel somewhat a part of something..being somewhat connected, even though don’t always participate in the conversations.  I’m no activist — I don’t speak out much — I haven’t had much to say on the subject, other than I am an Atheist.  And if people don’t like it, they can fuck off.  Yup..that is my mentality.  I think I have lived with it for so long that pushing my own thoughts, feelings and general lack of any respect for all organized religion out there for the world to hear — I just got tired of aruging.  But….  I should be more vocal.   I’ve been too damned quiet about it.  Perhaps standing on the roof of the local church (and there are 2 on the street I live on, 4 within 5 blocks of my house), might not be a great idea, but I think, in my own limited way, I should speak out more.

My reason is as follows — I read a few posts on My Sister’s Farmhouse that really inspired me.  Rechelle, the author of the blog, has recently become an atheist and has written a few really amazing posts.  She wrote a parable about her experience, the end of which sent me to tears:

She especially knew that she did not believe in the bible.
Because the bible was completely full of shit.
So she walked away from her church.
And she went back to her dark house.
And she tore the curtain off the window.
And light streamed into the room.
And she danced in the golden beams.
And warmed her hands in the silvery streams.
And the glorious light bathed her mind and filled her heart.
With the truth. The truth. The truth.
There is no god.
And it was good.
It was VERY GOOD.
And yeah…
She was going to die.
But she was not going to hell.
Because there was no hell.
When she died… she died. It was over. That’s all.
And it made every second of her life much more precious.
Because now, every minute needed to be spent well, spent carefully, spent honestly and spent joyously.
And also spent telling the christian homeschoolers that they are COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT TOO!
And that is how I (the woman in this story in case you couldn’t tell) became an atheist.

See?  Damn, I just teared up again.  Her article entitled “Former Christian Apologizes for Being Such a Huge Shit Head for all Those Years” was just fantastic.  I look forward to seeing what else Rechelle has to say. She really has inspired me to write here more often on my own thoughts on being an Atheist.

I really wish Rechelle well on this new journey into life that she has jumped onto.  There will be times she she feels totally alone — losing that community that a church gives you is hard to do — so, in case Rechelle happens up on this non important post of mine,  and just because I felt like it,  is a list of the Atheist blogs I read keep up with:

• Atheist Ethicist
• Atheist Media Blog
• Atheist Revolution
• Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Daylight Atheism
• Debunking Christiantiy
• Friendly Atheist
• How good is that?
• Mr. Diety
• Pharyngula
• Proud Atheists
• Reason Weekly
• Richard Dawkins
• The Religion Virus
• Unreasonable Faith

A few links from this blog:  My Atheism and Death and Grief as an Atheist

The news of the cancer was eye opening.  It comes in the midst of realization that my life must change drastically.  The news was a slap upside the head, saying “Get your head out of your ass, grab the bull by the horns, climb on and take the ride.”  I have been in this process since my move in May, when I realized that my life was not what I wanted at all.  Since then, I have made new choices, friendships have changed and grown; I no longer allow my family to sit in judgement of my life; I have changed my job to a more stable and long term one, and have started to come out from under the rock I have been living since the divorice. 

But life changes go fast and now, with this news, comes that feeling that the immortality (or at least a really long life), I was sure of when I was 20 is really just fleeting. I don’t despair the future, but reality is slapped upon the mirror, not letting me see anything except what is within.  It’s been showing itself to me like this for the past few months with a clarity that has elucidated my own desires, needs and wants.

I know that I must change certain things — my “love” life has been crumbling away with no sign of giving me what I need; my child is 16 now and becoming more and more grown up..more of a stranger to me; and the fact life just seems more and more of a struggle than a joy is heavy on my mind. 

I know what I want -

• -a better relationship with my son
• -a relationship with my the man in my life that is not one sided
• -a job that is fulfilling (and pays well!)
• - time for myself that is not full of the 10,000 things going on in my head that I cannot change or fix, but full of time to express and create.

I know that all of the things I want are my own responsibility.  No one can make me happy – I must do that myself.  No one can fix what is wrong – only I can do that.  I am the one who must make the real choices – the simple and easy choices, and those incredibly hard life changing choices. 

I’ve had these two quotes on my mind for some time now:

“My will shall shape my future.  Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.” ~ Elaine Maxwell

————————————————————-

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”  “Only I hold the key to my destiny.”  These two lines are how I must live my life.  Fear of the unknown can no longer hold me back.   I get to make the choices, I get to make the decisions.  No one else. 

Just me.

Vodka was my new years partner this year.  So… Yeah.  I’m hungover.  Badly.  Where is the advil and bed???

the air i breath smells of yesterdays vodka
and the putrid scent of snubbed out marlboros

the drawn curtains hide me from the world
the unplugged phone keeps people at bay

i don’t want to view the world
but make it dissolve in my glass of 80 proof

but nothing falls away; nothing dissolves
your face is on everything my eyes slide over

i grab my glass partner, which is almost empty
dancing around my apartment to angry music

the cello is too sweet, the acoustic too lovely
but harsh loud angry electric plays my hurt so well

no longer close, your hand is again your own
no longer close, your eyes close and i scream

pablos’ words no longer apply, only mansons angst
my sweet ceylon now replaced with fermented grain

and the fullness of my heart when you were in it
has been smothered by the loss of your love of me

Michelle Piniella – 12-27-2009

emptiness binds me as if i was handcuffed
and holds me so tightly i suffocate
longing consumes all thought
need overwhelms this nightmare
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

i whisper sweet lies to my heart
you love the way i laugh
you love my tenderness
you love making me strong
you love our lovemaking
you love me
but i am a fool
forever to be caught
in a mesh of stupidity
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

my heart can’t know
you chose to be alone
instead of choosing me
leaving me cast aside, deserted
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

my mind wont wrap around your choice
couldn’t love overcome time and distance?
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

grey skies are a perfect cover for sadness
rain masks the avalanche of my tears
i’m supposed to be full of strenghth
and be able to hold on without failing
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken

i scream in the quiet of my mind
i can’t let my heart know it’s broken
but my heart knows (it always knows) the truth
you wouldn’t make me yours
it knows what a fool (ever the fool) i am
it cackles; it bleeds; it slashes itself apart

i’m broken broken broken broken
my heart and i are broken

Michelle Piniella 12-16-2009

Michelle Piniella, 8-09-2009

I miss you

–

I’d heard rumors and I’d heard talk

About the trail you’d left of broken hearts
About the sea of tears too wide to cross
But a little bad press has never scared me off
So I burned a path to figure out
How to get me some of what you got
I’ve got a red hot heart
If the talk is true your’s is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love’s flame

When I looked for you I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve must make you wild inside
It was there and then that I knew I had to get some of what you got

I’ve got a red hot heart
If the talk is true your’s is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love’s flame

I thought I’d won your heart when I held you hand in mine
I thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
But my right is your wrong
And when you’re right then I’m left with nothing
Your light and your heat have all been spent
Leaving only smoke and ashes
Only smoke and ashes baby

I’ve got a red hot heart
Any your heart’s as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there’s fire down below
You say it’s only smoke and ashes baby

I’m crying all the time
Salty stinging tears
And mourning for the past carbon-dated years
But knowing now for certain that you were always right
Because if a breeze could blow you out of my life
It’s only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby

I’ve got a red hot heart
And your heart’s as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there’s fire down below
You say it’s only smoke and ashes baby

I was blinded by devotion
My unwavering love for you
So blinded that I thought all your lies were true
But now I know for certain since you’ve gone away
It was just a smoldering fire I mistook for a blaze
Only smoke and ashes baby

I’ve got a red hot heart
And your heart’s as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there’s fire down below
You say it’s only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby, baby .